Tales of Granny Tweed and the Creepy Dolls
I’ve never done this before but man I’m really tired. I’ve been up since 4:30 am and after a long day at work I can really use a power nap. I’m sitting at a park bench waiting to meet up with Granny Tweed. We’re gonna talk music and see what the band has been up to lately and yes, we’re gonna talk about their upcoming show with The Dead Milkmen. But first, just a quick one, I need a power nap. If you’ve ever been to Sloans Lake you might’ve seen the Doll Hospital across the street. I’ve never been inside but from the outside it seems to be a bit creepy. As I nestle down for a much needed power nap the last thing I see before I close my eyes is the creepy doll hospital.
Before long I feel something nudging me to wake me up…”Hey, hey man wake up I want to show you something.” What the fuck! As I open one eye slowly allowing it time to adjust to the sun glare I see a doll about 18” tall staring at me. He has the appearance of a grown man though he sounds stupider than a box of rocks. You could actually hear the dumbness of his intellect in the tone of his voice. The kind of stupid that makes you mad. He had orange skin and some fucked up hair. Though short and a doll this asshole was the scariest son of bitch that I’ve ever seen. He looked liked some demented creature that had been thrown in the sewer because no one wanted him. Things are getting weird and I’m starting to wonder where I am. It’s like one of those dreams where you’re in danger and you want to scream but nothings coming out. You’re suffocating trying to breathe in enough air so you can make some sort of noise but nothing is coming out.
By the time I got my eyes fully opened it was dark outside. I asked this little ugly doll “who are you?” His little cocky mouth responded “Hey bro, my name is Donny, Donny Trumpet.” As soon as he introduced himself two beautiful ladies on roller skates rolled by. One of them shouted out “Look, there’s Little Dick Donny!” and they both started laughing. Clearly they were talking about this little evil doll talking to me and clearly he wasn’t taking kindly to their comments. “Come here you dirty bitch!” Donnie shouted as he started to chase them. His little doll legs would only move so fast and they eventually tangled with each other causing a catastrophic crash that ended with him sliding about 20 feet on his face. At this point the ladies were laughing hysterically pointing at him recalling the time he tried to show them his dick. As the story goes it was so small they couldn’t see it. They kept saying “Where is it Donny? Show it to us, show it to us Donny.” This became the day that changed the history of the world. As the rage boiled within Donny he yelled one last time “You’ll regret this one day. I’m gonna be president of these here United States and I’ll make everyone pay for this.” These words echoed through the skies and penetrated homes throughout the country. At this point things are getting a little freaky for me and I want to leave. I start to get up but Little Donny turned to me and said “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” “It’s late man, I think I’ll head home now” I said. “I don’t think so!” Little Donny shouted with anger. “No one, no one knows how little my dick is and lives. You won’t make it out of here alive.” I start to feel the roots of a tree tie my feet to the ground paralyzing me so I can’t move. I have no idea where they all came from but now there are about 40 scary ass dolls. Little Donny is riding Doody Ghouliani like a horse. Maryanne Pawnway is leading all of the pawns on the death march and Tera Hackabee is leading all of the knights through the land of stupid. They’re coming after me with kitchen knives that have the presidential seal on them. “Umpa Umpa Umpa Umpa” they chant as they march toward me. The thirst for blood salivates their mouth. Maryanne yells “Donny Trumpet has a yuge dick! It’s the mightiest and prettiest ever seen to mankind.” Ghouliani continues Maryanne’s proclamation “I agree with Maryanne, Donny Trumpet’s dick is amazing, the best ever to walk this earth.” At this point Hackabee is right in front of me. She covers my mouth with her hand. “Any report about Donny Trumpet having a small dick is fake news.” She screams as she raises the knife to stab me in my chest. I’m dead, this is what my last moments here on earth look like. I can see the knife moving toward me in slow motion. They say things slow down when death is facing you. I looked in Tera Hackabee’s eyes and saw the sparkle of evil in them. I try to scream but nothing comes out. I suck in for one last attempt for a scream when a super woman came flying out of the sky and kicked Tera Hackabee right in the mouth. As Hackebee laid on the ground with missing teeth and a bloody mouth this mysterious lady wearing a red power jacket and big sunglasses stood on top of Hackabee and said “I’m coming to get you Little Dick Donny.” “Oh fuck!” Donny said as he tightens his grip to Ghouliani. “That’s Nancy Scarylosi the scariest lady here in the district. She’s immortal and has been walking this land for a thousand years.” It’s said Nancy Scarylosi lives off the blood of sexist pigs and now she has her sight on Little Dick Donny…
BAM! I don’t know what it was but something woke me up. Holy crap, my eyes are wide open, it’s light outside, I see people jogging around the lake, I hear chatter and laughter. As my heart rate starts to slowdown I say aloud “That was just a dream, maybe a nightmare but none of it was real.” I check the time on my phone. I have to get across the street to Joyride Brewery to meet up with Granny Tweed. As I walk up to Joyride, Gordo is sitting at the long bar like table facing the street with the garage door windows opened. What a pleasant sight he was. I felt like giving him a yuge hug while saying “I love you man” but that might make our first meeting a little awkward. Terry and Josh walk up right after I did, we’re ready to sit down and start talking.
Okay…do you guys want to introduce yourself?
“Yeah, I’m Gordo, I sing and play guitar.”
“My name is Terry and I play bass.”
“My name is Josh and I play drums and draw pictures.”
Tell us what Granny Tweed is…
Josh takes this “Obnoxious”
“and this…” as he pauses to listen to the loud music coming from the ice cream truck in the backrgound.
…Laughter and then Gordo continues “this is a great answer to your questions right here.” He then expands his thoughts on the questions “Um, what is Granny Tweed? Granny Tweed is a rock band that gets bored and wants to challenge ourselves and do material that’s interesting to us and at the basis of it we’re all Kansans.”
“Yep, we’re all from Kansas so boredom is in tale.” Terry adds and then Gordo continues “That’s the reason I picked up a guitar is because of boredom.”
Gordo switches up a little…”Josh and I played in bluegrass bands. That’s what we were doing when we met each other. But we both have a history of playing in punk bands.”
Josh “We definitely wanted to get away from banjos and mandolins.”
Terry explains Granny Tweed became their rebellion against bluegrass music“It was a rebellion against bluegrass.”
Gordo “I always appreciated the songwriting of Bluegrass music. We all have bluegrass heroes but I think playing it kinda soured me a little bit.”
Josh “The bluegrass band I toured in Terry was our sound guy. He didn’t get the pleasure of playing it but had to listen to it every night.”
Terry “I found a totally different way to finally hate it.”
(Lots of laughter)
Josh “I mean we played a lot. We were playing 200 shows a year.”
Terry “I’d say we lived more in our bus than we did in our homes.”
“What was the name of the band?
Josh “It was the DeWayn Brothers.”
Where did the name Granny Tweed come from?
Gordo “Ironically enough it came from a former member of our band Chicken Dinner. Super instrumental in the formation of the band. His Grandmother is Granny Tweed.”
Are you guys recording?
Gordo “Yeah, yeah we’re actually almost done with our new album and it’s tentatively call Ape Shit Mood Ring.”
Some debate takes place amongst the band. Can you cuss, can you use a swear word when you put an album out digitally? Terry questions if shit is even a cuss word anymore. After all it’s said on TV.
“That get’s iffy with the way we want to be promoting it online. We have no shortage of funny things we can name the album. We have an album called Look Mom No Brains.” Josh explains
When does the album come out?
Gordo “Well I hope to have it off to the presses in the next few weeks. We’re hoping to press a record so that takes three months usually. We’re looking at August or September for it to really actually come out, for it to be birthed.”
Where are you recording it?
Gordo continues “We recorded it in my basement and we’re pretty happy with the results.”
Josh “It’s super cool man, his recording set up with all his great mikes and the knowledge and equipment he has, it’s one of the better things that I’ve ever been part of. I’ve recorded in super expensive recording places before you know…”
Terry jumps in “…a lot of our friends we’ve given the inside track of what we just did has already asked to record with him. If you play someone a track and then tell them we recorded it in his basement they usually ask to record there. It doesn’t sound like your typical garage recording. It’s coming together quite nicely if I may say so myself.”
Is that what you do for a living Gordo?
“Yeah, I spend a lot of my time doing that. I teach lessons and I do things around music. If someone wants me to mix their album I’ll do that. I work on producing a podcast, the MF Ruckus Podcast, The Mother Fucking Ruckus guys. It’s a lot of fun, it’s just really a lot of fun to just sit and wrap with those guys cause they’re really entertaining and the have great people on there. Yeah yeah, I just spend a lot of time working within the realms of music. I have other things like Gordophonic Records that has Granny Tweed, Wienercat, Agents of First Choice, Randall Conrad Olinger and my solo project Gordon Leadfoot.
I ask Terry and Josh if they make money off music
Terry starts “I do, I make money off other musicians usually. I run a stage, I do the behind the scene stuff, I have a small venue downtown the Appaloosa Grill that I’m the stage manager. We have music seven nights a week, yeah it’s my gravy train (laughs) it’s pretty cool and it’s a real laid back atmosphere. I can come and go as I please for messing around with these dudes if you need to go on tour or anything like that. I’m really lucky to have it basically is what it comes down to. It’s owned by musicians, they get it, they let me do what I need to do and it affords me the opportunity to do a lot of things.”
Josh picks up from here “My stuff is more art related. I play bass in a band called Oroya but mines more music oriented. Lots of album covers, merchandising, posters, all that kind of stuff. I have a gallery in Boxcar Gallery of 5th and Santa Fe. I do it all day everyday, it’s what I do for a living. It’s pretty crazy, Granny Tweed has a studio engineer, a live engineer and an artist we, we don’t have to outsource a lot.”
(Josh is also known for painting the mural behind the stage at Streets Denver)
What does Granny Tweed bull shit about while hanging out at the bar?
Terry “I happen to be way into sports. I’ll update these guys about basketball every time I see them. I’m also really into fishing. These guys are the more politically informed ones of the group…”
Josh “…and Gordo way more than me in that realm.”
Where are we at today?
Gordo “Generally, I have a real problem with what I’m seeing up top these days and it’s not just the POTUS area. I see problems that are happening basically in the system of capitalism that are really destroying the American ideal and it breaks my heart.”
I don’t want to get too political with Granny Tweed. Though I feel their intellect creates political thoughts I find that the humor in their music may be a better way to forget about todays politics rather than stoke the flames of todays politics. But I have had a question on my mind for a few weeks and since our conversation is touching on the subject I want to ask it.
Can you be a capitalist and a humanitarian, at some point can you merge those two things?
Terry takes the lead on this one “There are some shining examples that it can be done. Bill Gates is an incredible humanitarian and one of the richest people on the planet but then there are people like Bezos who doesn’t even pay his employees and just reeks the benefits so I don’t know. I think it can be but just not likely that it will happen.”
Gordo “It’s just a strange existence to live in. Everyone is defined by how many hours they work and everyone is defined by what kind of car they driving. There’s all this bullshit that doesn’t mean anything on a human level to me. Obviously I’m more into art, music, the human experience at large.”
What role does politics have in Granny Tweed?
Josh “We may have intense conversations about politics between songs at rehearsal but then we get back to our goofy songs. It doesn’t shine over into our music and on stage. We’re not going to stand preachy on stage. Even though some of our favorites like Fugazi and this and that do.”
Man, I’ve had a great time hanging out with Granny Tweed. Incredibly funny, super mellow, intellectual and always expressing creative thoughts. It’s time to wrap this up but not before asking them about their upcoming show on June 1st at The Gothic with The Dead Milkmen.
Josh explains how big this is for them “This Dead Milkmen show we have coming up is like one big fell swoop of getting in front of a lot of the people that I think will really enjoy Granny Tweed at once instead of 11 at a time at this little tiny clubs.”
Terry “There is no question about it that The Dead Milkmen bare a lot of influence on Granny Tweed. They are probably the reason for the humor in our music.”
Josh “They’ve been my favorite band since I was a little kid.”
Gordo “Of all the opportunities that we’ve tried to get (laughs) it’s really nice to have this to look forward to because we all look up to that band, we hold them in such high esteem, it’s incredible I still can’t believe it.”
Josh “I probably talk about The Dead Milkmen everyday and I have my whole life. I won’t hesitate especially working in the music industry to say the are my Zeppelin or Dylan.”
Josh finishes by saying this with both Gordo and Terry backing him up on this. When someone ask “hey man have you heard of this?” I’ll always respond and have for years “If it ain’t The Dead Milkmen I don’t give a fuck!”
YOU CAN FIND GRANNY TWEED AT
Website: http://grannytweed.com/
Record Label: https://www.gordophonicrecords.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GrannyTweed/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/grannytweed/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/GrannyTweed
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/grannytweed
They are also on Itunes, Amazon and many other streaming platforms.
